building up

we are building up to a fight. but i don’t want to fight. in fact i don’t want to even talk to him. it would be safer petting a rattle snake.

i am so frustrated. so hurt. and if i tried to talk to him about it – he would just launch his full scale attack about how awful i was this weekend. that’s why he was in such a miserable mood.

i know the script – i could hit play and walk away. especially since when we are fighting/discussing he is staring at his laptop or some book. he manages to shut me out and attack all at the same time.

but in order to fight – one must engage – and this i think i will try not to do. it is almost never productive to try to talk to him no matter how hard i try to say what’s going on for me in the least offensive way. he simply cannot handle what i have to say.

this weekend we went to visit family. he didnt want to go and sited reasons – money, dove not ready for a trip like this to try to get out of it the night before we were suppose to leave. but the trip was important to me because i wanted dove to meet his great grandma. mh’s real reasons – i could speculate that he just didn’t want to drive down there and be bored the whole time and then drive back.

dove is waking up and so i must go he hasn’t been in too good of a mood so i have to take advantage of this moment.

sad

i keep thinking about this. it’s kind of sad because dj and i have never had any secrets between us – until now. now i have this blog and i won’t be sharing it with him.

marriage

i have a lot to say. but i don’t want anyone i know to read this. super secret stuff. stuff that would hurt others – the bold naked truth of how i feel – right or wrong.

this is a blog about my marriage. i am not sure how it will all end up. depends on the day how optimistic i feel based on what’s happening. today – i am not sure how we are going to make it.

the name of my blog is how i refer to my husband. if you need some reminding of the tale of dr. jekyll (dj) and mr. hyde (mh) you can check out this link. needless to say – after understanding the basic premise of the story – you might surmise why i call my husband this…he has two sides to him and they can sometimes be extreme. i have been terrified with him and i have been hurt unbelievably – but never has he layed a hand on me. but as i recall from my father – the emotional abuse can be the most damaging.

so let me introduce the characters:

my husband: he will be referred to as mh or dj depending on who he is at a particular time – warm supportive husband or attacker.

my 9 year old step son: in keeping with the tale – let’s refer to him as the butler and just call him butler. i struggle with him but i also feel terribly for him when he has to contend with mh.

our son: i will call him dove – just because he is innocent. he too has had to deal with mh – but not to any great degree. he’s just a wee guy – 3 months old.