to my husband

i have been trying to say something to you for the past 5 or so years. i tried saying it in an email the other day to you. but you don’t hear me. you ignored what i said i was feeling and told me that i am
struggling because i have a son and because i have a past.

but the truth is – i am struggling right now because i don’t want to keep on fighting to exist with you but letting go weighs heavily.

but letting go is all i think about.

i am not going to deny any longer how poorly you treat me sometimes and i am not going to let you treat me like that anymore either. you may have selective amnesia about the awful things you say to me but i don’t. my body, mind and soul remember each time you lash out at me. i simply don’t trust you anymore. i don’t feel safe with you. you are not my friend. you are not my lover.

and your words cannot help. i have been hearing your words for years and waiting for your actions. it’s not fair of you to ask me to wait any longer while you shut me down, criticize me, say sarcastic mean things. it’s not fair of you to ask me to wait while you verbally slam the parts of me you don’t want to deal with.

that is not love.