on and on

i know that as i sleep at my friend’s house that dj/mh is thinking the whole problem is me. he isn’t doing one thing to look at himself and wonder what’s going on.

and usually what happens is i eventually talk to him and end up explaining to him how he treats me. and he seems to get it – but not really. i think he is just making up with me because he doesn’t want to fight anymore and wants me to come home.

the last time when i came home he held me. he said – now we need to take care of his needs. and his hold on me was overwhelming and uncomfortable and i felt like he was taking something away from me that i was not giving him. i kept realizing that there was a look of horror on my face. i kept trying to relax and not think of him as my enemy but it was too much.

and this doubt keeps whispering, sometimes shouting – you are projecting your father onto dj/mh. he is not the enemy – you are making him so.

mh pulled butler’s mom out of the car and dropped her onto the pavement once in a fit of rage. she had said something fairly mean to him that incited him. he was arrested for domestic violence.

there was the time recently when mh shouted to butler “i am going to call the police on you if you don’t calm down!”

these two incidences happened years apart. and in between there is a whole host of mean shit he has said to me. like the time i told him about being abused as a child and his response was “this isn’t the time or the place to talk about that.” slam door.

or the time he was yelling mean things to me and i finally started packing my things and he chanted at me the whole time “poor me! poor me! life is so hard!”

other times i can’t even recall what he has said – and i even think that the only reason why i remember the above incident is because i blogged about it. otherwise it just slips away and it’s easy to think that maybe i am exagerating and it’s really not that bad. which is one of the reasons i am keeping this blog is to help me remember what happens when we fight.

what i am left with is pain. distrust. uncertainty.

how much more evidence do i need?

there is a demon in him and he has so much protection to guard against the idea that he is such a mean asshole sometimes. and i fight that protection. and he is a good fighter. and i just want to stop fighting. i know what’s really going on here. i know that it’s not just a projection – he is mean.