hear me

this weekend was tough. butler stayed on his ds most of the time. didn’t say much to me at all. i tried to interact with him but it was no go. i think he was just too into his new ds game. sunday came and tried to have a conversation about dinner. figured out pretty quickly that i was annoyed and the conversation wasn’t going to go well because every suggestion i came up with was no go. so we were back to either mac n cheese – and it had to be in a box or ravioli’s. okay. so either i fix two meals or we eat what caleb wants. it’s pretty dang frustrating.

dj/mh got annoyed with the conversation. understandable. later on he told me that it’s just no use arguing with him. i said – butler is in a real argumentative stage right now and i am pretty frustrated that he has control of dinner. mh said butler isn’t in control. i said, i feel he is. mh says i don’t want to fight. you are lecturing me. i asked we discuss what’s going on and he said basically no way. how about we talk on thursday about it? this upsets me.

the next morning. mh wakes up late and starts talking shit to me. saying rude things. finally the butler comes up stairs and i know mh won’t say shitty things to me around butler.

i feel like i can’t talk to dj/mh about anything that is important but might be difficult. we live in such a one dimension. so limiting. i am trying to figure out what can be done with this fussy step son – and how we can all be happy and eating foods we all want instead of just what the butler wants. but i can’t have that conversation with my husband.

it’s just so limiting.

i sent him this email this morning:

please don’t attack me. please hear me.

i am so sorry for my part in failing to have a warm, loving supportive
relationship with you.

i know i am too sensitive. i am too needy. i am too much on a whole
host of levels.

in some ways i have grown strong over these years. i have developed
confidence in my perspective for one thing. i understand much better
what my limitations are and what my needs are. i have come to
understand boundaries and the incredible need for them in marriages. a
need to be able to separate myself from you when i feel you are an
unsafe place for me to be close to.

i am very unhappy in this marriage. i feel like i am faking it when
things are decent. faking affection for you. that i am showing love
not to you but to some wish i have in my mind of what i want.

that’s not to say that i want our marriage to end or that i don’t love
you. but i can’t handle being this unhappy all the time. all the work
it takes to be here. to be heard. to be seen. to be acknowledged. to
be worth the effort for you to love me.

it’s just too hard. i am angry. i am terribly sad. i am tired of
feeling alone and isolated and incapable of being able to have a
healthy conversation with you about the things that are important to
me. i don’t understand what i need to do to get you to really be able
to hear me. to see me. i give up.

in my mind all i hear is your attacks. your anger toward me. what i
almost never hear in my mind is your love for me. i don’t want to live
like this.

i am sorry. i am so sorry i can’t be at this house tonight. i know you
are concerned about what you will say to butler and how this looks to
him but i just can’t keep up appearances to protect him from the truth
- that this marriage is failing.