how will this conflict find resolution

right in the middle

yesterday mh snapped at me and i finally snapped back and actually got angry. so he denied that he snapped at me and asked what was my problem. i walked away and tried to calm. i came back to him and said that i noticed he hasn’t been in a good mood and i was wondering what was going on for him. he said that ever since friday (it’s sunday) he has been having to deal with me and it’s been difficult. and finally i realize that he’s been holding onto some grievance this whole weekend and that’s why he has been a pill off and on. he told me that it was inappropriate for me to call him at work and vent and go off and what was i thinking. how could i do that? and then the whole weekend i have been too difficult and what’s wrong with me. and how hard it is for him to deal with me when i am acting like that.

basically how hard it is for him when i am being myself.

so i tried to talk to him about what was going on but it was so difficult because he was being so adversarial. and flipping through a book as well. i was trying so hard to have a conversation with him and he was being argumentative and dismissive. so i finally walked away because i was having a difficult time operating in a triggered state. so then he started shouting things at me as i walked away. and i told him to stop that i was setting up a boundary and needed him to stop talking to me because i couldn’t handle it. he kept trying to say something to me but i shouted over him.

he stopped. then he layed in bed for a long while. took a nap. got up and walked out the door and slammed the door behind him as hard as he could. dove was taking a nap at the time so it felt especially egregious.

dove didn’t wake up. i was triggered again and trying to calm down and figure out if it was a good idea for us to leave and stay at my friend’s house. but it’s such a hassle to leave. but i just don’t know how to keep separate from mh’s verbal attacks. i take it on as if it belonged to me.

i feel confident that i haven’t done anything wrong. if it wasn’t okay for me to talk to him at work – he could have said – hey, now is not a good time to talk about this, can we talk when i get home?

it’s his job to set his own boundaries. but in any case – i am pretty sure he didn’t want to listen to me at all no matter when. i was complaining about how much work dinner is – i have to plan the meal, shop for it, prepare it, clean up afterward and it’s only working out to about half the time that he washes the dishes so sometimes i have to clean the dishes the next day too and i am feeling resentful and irritated about the whole dinner thing. can i get some support? can you help more with the dishes?

i asked this of him and days later i get an ear full about how bad that was for me to say. how hard it was for him to hear. how i should have known better than call him at work and vent like that. how he works hard and now he’s gotta come home and work more. should he just quit his job to do the work?

why can’t he hear what i was saying?

christ. this relationship is so limiting. i can’t express myself. even if i am gentle and try hard to not point a finger and to show that this is all me and i am not mad at him but i do need his help.

i asked him to sleep on the couch last night – that i didn’t feel comfortable sleeping next to him. he did it.

not sure when it will be safe to talk to him but i will wait for him to figure it out – i am not putting one foot forward to make this shit work. he needs to approach me and recognize that he has some issues with me but didn’t present them fairly.

there is no chance in hell that that is the way things will go. but i deserve to be treated well and not have to deal with him being adversarial toward me. i am sick of it. i read through these old posts and it shocks me what i put up with.

he says he wants to support me. he says he wants to be there for me, that what i want is important to him but his actions are totally different. i believe his desire is there but he just doesn’t understand what is actually means to be there for someone.

is he a “bad” person? no. was my father a “bad” person or was he just dealing with some terrible demons? the thing is – people hide behind this idea that they are “good” people but just have a tough time sometimes and end up doing mean things to other people. but does that justify the behavior? does that make it okay? does that mean that someone else should just deal with being attacked because the attacker is really a good person deep down?

certainly what i am dealing we currently is very far from the abuse i suffered as a youth but there is a thread in my relationship that feels very much the same. if i was to leave him would i be able to find and then tolerate a healthy relationship? i am not sure. i do crave to be truly supported truly loved. right now i feel like i am a giver