the d word

the last time i got the kind of support i wished i had all the time was over a month ago. now back to hell. i can’t stand these weekends. every weekend with butler just sucks. sucks sucks sucks. it wasn’t always like this. i think it started when i decided i was sick of being the main parent and that dj had to step up. but he can’t really do it. it’s been frustrating on him to take over as the main parent to butler- but it’s his job! not mine. i always had to be the evil one and sometimes both of them would act like kids and that i was the parent and they were getting in trouble.

i feel like i am only partially accepted. mh can only accept me when i am in a good mood and capable of handling a majority of the household responsibilities. if i get in a bad mood or am having a tough time he gives me some stock answers. and that’s ok. not great but atleast he isn’t hostile to me. and then on some occasions he really steps up to the plate. but i think we are dealing with a very stressful situation and well – even under the best of circumstances things are challenging. so now he is hostile.

when i need him i can count on one of three responses:

50% of the time: stock responses where he hopes it’s enough and me and my problem will be placated and go away. stock responses include: “i know this is hard on you. i know you are having a tough time. i am sorry you are having a tough time.” these are ok responses but not great. i don’t feel terrible but i know he can’t do more and is atleast trying.

60% of the time: he responds with hostility. attacking me. telling me that life is hard. he tells me to grow up. he tells me to see my therapist. to get a grip. that this is just the way it is and to stop complaining. what’s my problem? why can’t you just try? you cannot take care of yourself because taking a break looks bad to butler. running away is rejection. sometimes he throws things. threatens me with divorce. tells me i am like my father. tells me i am like my mother. tells me he regrets marrying me.

and about 3% of the time he really pulls through. he responds with a hug. he holds me and truly understands and cares about me and suggests to me things that might help to make me feel better.

here it is – the month of christmas – dove’s first christmas!!!! this is a special time. but it’s not. and that sucks. i pulled out the christmas decorations and had all these flashbacks of bad memories of fighting and not getting along or general unhappiness around the holidays. well – we don’t just not get along around the holidays – but these items pulled out once a year refresh the bad memories of the past.

i think about the list that butler wrote of things he would like to do with his dad. and mh and i looked over the lsit and reviewed the things on it. then mh said – i don’t want to do any of those things with him.

and that is probably one of the most ugly things i have heard him say ever. selfish. without love. but i know he loves butler and dove but it just seems as if there is this BIG thing holding him back from truly enjoying his sons and for that matter – me. misery.

i walk around my house and see dents in the wall – the frame of our bedroom door nailed haphazardly back to the wall – scrapes here and there from the chair that was smashed and destroyed. see destruction and this house feels so miserable – holds so many bad memories. and i wonder – when do i get to be happy? when do i get to have a joyful loving relationship that fills my needs and i realize that it just might not be with mh/dj. it makes me sad. to think about the severing. but that is all i have thought about today. the severing. the tearing. the pain it will cause and the challenges that lie ahead. but i just don’t think i can take this marriage anymore.

i married him for the wrong reasons. i fell in love with him because i felt so needed. i loved being needed. i didn’t “need” anyone and figured i could take care of myself. but then – what’s that all about? if you can’t rely on your partner to be a shoulder when you are upset? if the person you married regards you with hostility when you are upset?

i thought he would change. i thought things would get better. and perhaps they are getting better. but they aren’t getting better fast enough. i feel starved. i feel beaten. i feel such a strong yearning to be truly loved. i would rather go it alone with jonas than be in this state of rejection.

and therapy has built my confidence about what i see. about what i feel. to understand and know my needs and believe they are valid and healthy.

i have spent so much of my life putting other people’s needs before my own. my parents – both of them used me. or they chose to give up on their responsibility to me. their needs before mine.

i feel like a dented can. i feel like that stupid monkey who was so abused as a baby and rejected and given no love and then could never adequately get along with the other monkeys when it got older. that’s me. i don’t know how to find someone who will truly love me.

i thought that if i gave and gave and gave that the person who i gave to would have to love me back – would need me and give in return. but that just isn’t the way it works out. and so i feel so alone. i have my dove. my joy. my reason for living. the place where i will pour myself into. eventually – even he will turn away. as he should.

yeah – i am depressed. can’t even eat even though i am breastfeeding and usually eat enough for two elephants. so anxious and upset in this house – with mh walking around silently. both of us avoiding a confrontation. he is looking to evverything that i am doing and i bet finding all kinds of wrong in everything that i am doing. i feel so defensive and fearful of talking to him. i just don’t want to defend myself. i don’t want to have to argue for myself. i don’t want him to tell me what i am doing and that everything is my fault and how he has done nothing.