shit everywhere

dove has a stomach virus and a cold. there is and has been shit everywhere for days now and it gets worse each day. yesterday i almost lost it. trying to keep up with the crap – cleaning it up. giving him a chance to air dry but then he craps. he is starting to develop a rash too despite all best efforts. i got shit all over me twice, all over him a number of times and all over the rug, changing table, bathtub, kitchen floor.

plus he is super needy. and nursing all the time – which makes sense since he is probably really thirsty and on the edge of getting dehydrated.

i was beside myself yesterday taking care of a lion’s share of the work. dj had been dealing with the older one – taking to a play date and back and doing other stuff. finally at 7pm i got out of the house and went to the gym where i cried and soaked in the jacuzzi. man – it was such a tough day.

then today – i just don’t have the coping – i am pushed too far. but dj took the boys to the zoo – dj knows the deal – he might be spending most of the time in the bathroom – but it was his decision to go.

and i am getting such a break. sort of. i have to do this holiday card. i think i have two pretty good design directions so i am feeling a little less panicked about the time that i have and can take a break to unload the fucking crap that i feel.

sometimes this is just so damn hard – being a mom. i just want to leave for a week and be in my own space and do what i want when i want. i don’t want to have to listen to the butler. man, that kid really irks me. i really don’t like him sometimes. he is a little shit. always on some play for power. can’t handle anyone telling him to do anything. he is such a little shit. arguing, arguing, whining, arguing, whining, morose but apparently in a good mood.

but me – what the fuck? none of my relationships are optimal now. i feel so insecure and incapable and needy and without what i need. things have gotten tipped in such a wrong direction and i am not sure how to get back on it.

each moment is a step in the right direction. the diarreaha can only last so long. right? even though dove is the best thing ever – he is also the biggest challenge. and he is putting a strain on the rest of my relationships.

but my husband is really pulling through this weekend. i just wish i could give back but i just can’t. i just want to cry all the time.

well – this is probably all i have time to say what i have to say.