back again

it’s been a while. i guess i just don’t have the heart to type out all the misery that i feel when i am going through it. but then i realized that i do email a friend about it and sometimes my mom so i thought that i could keep up this blog by just copying and pasting the emails i send. and perhaps send the emails that dj/mh send to each other.

these past two weeks have been tough. dj/mh has been on vacation and the butler has been over full time. the first couple of days were really tough because dove wasn’t sleeping well – so neither was i. i was hoping for some support but didn’t get much from dj/mh. he had his excuses – butler was too challenging, had to take care of himself. as well – he told me that the first year is just difficult and that’s the way it is – it’s just miserable so there. stop complaining.  finally on wednesday i had had enough and was packing my things to stay with my friend and the whole time mh is chanting at me “poor poor me. poor poor me.” over and over.

after a few days i got an email from him asking when i was coming home – to stop running away. that he loves me and i need to deal with my marriage and stop running away – that he is there and if i don’t come home he would cancel his friend’s bachelor party and if i didn’t come home by monday he would call a lawyer. so i came home and we hashed things out for a few hours before going camping. we both just got exhausted from talking. i didn’t feel satisfied from the conversation at all. i don’t think he gets what’s going on. he made it seem that things are so tough for him that he can’t meet my needs. every time i said it’s been hard he counters with – it’s hard for me too and i have to take care of myself before i can take care of anyone else.

so be it.

i just feel deeply unhappy and very unsatisfied by my marriage. i am sure dj would say the same. whatever. he can

here’s what i sent to my mom:
these past two weeks with dj/mh on vacation and butler around full time have been tough. i feel fundamentally deeply unhappy ‘cept when i hang with my little man (now 7 months old). he is my ray of sunshine. otherwise i am a maid, a bookkeeper, a nag, a useless wife (meaning my husband doesn’t get enough sex), and i run around my house while two boys hang on the laptops. sure we have done this and that and dj/mh has done this and that around the house but i just wonder if it’s not possible to be happier. to have more joy. i just feel this vast expanse between me and dj/mh and an ever deepening unhappiness.

and then there is what happened last night. butler is sneezing and coughing in his room all night long even after i gave him an allergy pill so clearly something is wrong. so i wake dj/mh and he is pissed. i say to him – butler can’t sleep his allergies are bothering him – you should move him to the couch. he says – you wake me up for that? butler has allergies – what do you want me to do about it? is he just going to stay sleeping on the couch from now on? it’s probably that damn cat and the cat box with the SHIT in it next to his bedroom. it’s disgusting. butler is fine. it’s 4am in the morning  – what do you want from me?

to stop being an asshole.

so i go downstairs and move butler to the couch upstairs and go back to bed upset and not likely to sleep. dj/mh then snuggles up next to me and i ask him what he is doing. he says that if i am going to take all the covers he can lay next to me to keep warm. i tell him i am too warm with him next to me and something is wierd. he says that i reject him all the time and that since we are both wide awake i should snuggle with him. he then starts to get on a roll about how i am not affectionate with him and i remind him that he was unpleasant just a half hour ago. he turns hostile and i go to sleep on the floor in the living room.

this morning he says ” i am sorry about last night.”

i didn’t respond.

now he is on his laptop. i go to take a shower and there is urine on the toilet seat – no matter how many times i have asked him not to pee with the toilet seat down – he does it anyway. either that or leaves the toilet seat up. and it just reinforces how this household is an uphill battle for me.

i am constantly thinking about how i need to get a job and get dove in daycare and start saving money and figure out how i am going to get a divorce. and what that looks like. being a single mom.

there is mh the asshole and then there is just dj. and even just dj isn’t doing – isn’t a part of my world – of my joy. he sits on his laptop at home reading about climbing or skiing and then goes climbing or skiing or talks about climbing or skiing.

i like those things too but i also like my house – and my family.

and then i think about who would get the couch? who would get the deck furniture? who would get the bed? what neighborhood would i live in? how dove and i do? how would he do with a broken family? it’s not the worse thing for him but it’s certainly not the best.

and then i think – things aren’t that bad – i should just suck it up and live a parallel life to dj/mh and watch our marriage disintegrate but remain intact enough for dove.