we’ll float

take life as it comes.

this morning as i sit on my couch in my living room alone listening to pj harvey, memories wash over me. the why’s of falling in love with dj. and there are many. which makes this break even more painful, even more acute.

i cried. i fell in love with you. how could you break my heart like this? how can you hurt me like you do?

i remember meeting you. i remember the first kiss. i remember the rush of emotion every single time before we were going to see each other. i remember the carefulness we both felt – the fragility of love and life. i remember thinking that you and i were it – we were the text book case of what love is. what it should always be. i remember that for months i was never walking – always floating just slightly above the ground.

and then i remember our first fight. and i remember thinking – oh shit. there is something very messed up here. this isn’t right. it’s one thing to have a conflict but this was catching a sliver of the ugly past you hold inside. and i was pretty sure we hadn’t seen the last of it.

i fell in love with you. i loved your passion for climbing. i loved how you became a little boy in the woods. how much fun we have together when we  hike or camp or just play in nature. we bonded so well and shared such a deep connection in nature. it hardly needed words. it just was this wonderful thing that we both felt – seeing the joy in the other person and feeling it too.

i have other memories of these moments – where you opened up to me. at the top of mt. rainier, some random moment when we were waking up together, that unconscious sexy move you made the other day.

and yet – you are an unsafe place for me. i no longer trust you. you hurt me. and although i don’t think that you mean to do it – it hurts nonetheless. i have tried to talk to you about this. i have tried to grit my teeth and bare it. i have tried to be careful and not need you, not push your buttons, to talk carefully and sensitively. i have bent over backwards trying to figure out how to be whole in our marriage without triggering you. i have walked on eggshells. i have fought for myself, tried to live by example, tried to communicate in every way i could think of to tell you that when you shut me out, when you become hostile to me, when you are sarcastic and mean that it pushes me further and further away. i have tried to tell you that our marriage is precariously close to ending.

and i am sooo far from perfect. i have failed so many times to keep my patience. i have failed so many times not to succumb to vengeance. i have lashed out in anger at you. yelled at you. shoved you. these things that make me feel so much shame. i cannot hold on while you reject me. i cannot hold on while you shut the door in my face or say mean things. i don’t want to be that person anymore. i don’t know how to keep myself open to you and bonded but capable of handling being vulnerable to your rejection of me.

i have seen you make many attempts to make things better. things aren’t near as bad as they were when we first started fighting. i know that you want to support me. i know that you love me. but these attempts are unfortunately either too small or too far apart to help offset the times when things get ugly.

we had love. we had this amazing thing together. but our story teaches that it takes more than love to make it work.

to my husband

i have been trying to say something to you for the past 5 or so years. i tried saying it in an email the other day to you. but you don’t hear me. you ignored what i said i was feeling and told me that i am
struggling because i have a son and because i have a past.

but the truth is – i am struggling right now because i don’t want to keep on fighting to exist with you but letting go weighs heavily.

but letting go is all i think about.

i am not going to deny any longer how poorly you treat me sometimes and i am not going to let you treat me like that anymore either. you may have selective amnesia about the awful things you say to me but i don’t. my body, mind and soul remember each time you lash out at me. i simply don’t trust you anymore. i don’t feel safe with you. you are not my friend. you are not my lover.

and your words cannot help. i have been hearing your words for years and waiting for your actions. it’s not fair of you to ask me to wait any longer while you shut me down, criticize me, say sarcastic mean things. it’s not fair of you to ask me to wait while you verbally slam the parts of me you don’t want to deal with.

that is not love.

careful

the end of a marriage is a strange place. i am wondering – have i tried everything? is there anything left to do? what if i have this all wrong?

i find myself walking gingerly around the house. carefully, gingerly picking up this and that as i make a lunch, as i do laundry. cautious in my every move – so careful and concerned. everything around me and including myself feels so fragile. there is a tremble in me.

i feel like i am on the cusp of a very dark hour of my life as i contemplate the end of this marriage – nothing can be done hastily.

on and on

i know that as i sleep at my friend’s house that dj/mh is thinking the whole problem is me. he isn’t doing one thing to look at himself and wonder what’s going on.

and usually what happens is i eventually talk to him and end up explaining to him how he treats me. and he seems to get it – but not really. i think he is just making up with me because he doesn’t want to fight anymore and wants me to come home.

the last time when i came home he held me. he said – now we need to take care of his needs. and his hold on me was overwhelming and uncomfortable and i felt like he was taking something away from me that i was not giving him. i kept realizing that there was a look of horror on my face. i kept trying to relax and not think of him as my enemy but it was too much.

and this doubt keeps whispering, sometimes shouting – you are projecting your father onto dj/mh. he is not the enemy – you are making him so.

mh pulled butler’s mom out of the car and dropped her onto the pavement once in a fit of rage. she had said something fairly mean to him that incited him. he was arrested for domestic violence.

there was the time recently when mh shouted to butler “i am going to call the police on you if you don’t calm down!”

these two incidences happened years apart. and in between there is a whole host of mean shit he has said to me. like the time i told him about being abused as a child and his response was “this isn’t the time or the place to talk about that.” slam door.

or the time he was yelling mean things to me and i finally started packing my things and he chanted at me the whole time “poor me! poor me! life is so hard!”

other times i can’t even recall what he has said – and i even think that the only reason why i remember the above incident is because i blogged about it. otherwise it just slips away and it’s easy to think that maybe i am exagerating and it’s really not that bad. which is one of the reasons i am keeping this blog is to help me remember what happens when we fight.

what i am left with is pain. distrust. uncertainty.

how much more evidence do i need?

there is a demon in him and he has so much protection to guard against the idea that he is such a mean asshole sometimes. and i fight that protection. and he is a good fighter. and i just want to stop fighting. i know what’s really going on here. i know that it’s not just a projection – he is mean.

i just want to be loved

i want to feel love. i want to feel supported

dj constantly says he wants to support me and be there for me and to meet my needs. but it’s just talk. he simply can’t walk the walk. i feel like he would be he just can’t or won’t. there is this big thing holding him back.

everytime things get tricky he stops being by my side and starts criticizing me and what i am saying. he attacks and argues and it becomes this adversarial court room drama. if i explain how hard it is he just tells me that i am using too many “you” statements. he deflects any chance of me trying to explain to him how antagonistic he is by arguing that i am exagerating which is one of Gottman’s four horseman of the apocolypse. i feel he puts up one road block after the next to keep from having a real conversation and really facing some not pretty truths.

but then again, maybe i am exagerating. maybe he is a dear sweet man who is supportive of me and loves me – but i am too demanding, too needy. maybe i do lecture him too much with my perspective. maybe i am too difficult. maybe i just need to deal with how hard life is and how hard marriage is and how hard being a parent is and a step parent. and stop wailing about it. where did i get the idea that i could be happier? i mean – am i going to get a divorce and find someone better? and anyway – how could i think about leaving when there are children are involved? isn’t that just being selfish? there’s an army of people ready to rail against me if i get divorced for selfishly thinking that i could be happier.

i type all that. and it sounds silly. but these are things i have heard from dj/mh. they are also things i fear are actually quite true.

i just don’t understand how to find happiness within my marriage. how to accept it for what it is and it’s limitations. it’s hard to maintain this balance between separation and connection.

i wish someone could take care of me. i want someone to swoop in and make everything okay. i dreamed of that happening the whole time i grew up. i wished someone would come and take me away from my father. from the misery of being abused for so many years. and finally – i had to take myself out of it. and here i am again – i just want someone to tell me – you are married to an asshole. you can’t see it because your self-esteem is so buried and you are so incapable of realizing how much you can be loved. mh is cruel to you far too much of the time. and although he is wrestling with his own demons and doesn’t mean to hurt you – he hurts you all the same and the damage is done and keeps repeating. and there is no reason for you to stay in harm’s way. you stay in hopes that things will get better but meanwhile he attacks you, criticizes you, and shows you just how ugly someone can be with another person without raising a hand. you stay because you see the good in him and you hope and you pray that things will change – that he will figure it out and not hurt you – but he denies that he even says mean things to you. he is in denial of how much he hurts you.

i know that if i leave it has to be my own decision. that no one can help me to know if i am doing the right thing or not. leaving would be giving up hope that things could get better. it would be a very painful tearing apart of something that does have value on some levels. and leaving would be so terrifying. loneliness. isolation. having to work hard to just barely make ends meet. but can i really stay with dj/mh because it’s better than poverty and loneliness?

truthfully – there is still more to this relationship that just maintaining a step above poverty and loneliness. but often it feels like it barely rises above and sometimes is much worse than poverty and loneliness.

hear me

this weekend was tough. butler stayed on his ds most of the time. didn’t say much to me at all. i tried to interact with him but it was no go. i think he was just too into his new ds game. sunday came and tried to have a conversation about dinner. figured out pretty quickly that i was annoyed and the conversation wasn’t going to go well because every suggestion i came up with was no go. so we were back to either mac n cheese – and it had to be in a box or ravioli’s. okay. so either i fix two meals or we eat what caleb wants. it’s pretty dang frustrating.

dj/mh got annoyed with the conversation. understandable. later on he told me that it’s just no use arguing with him. i said – butler is in a real argumentative stage right now and i am pretty frustrated that he has control of dinner. mh said butler isn’t in control. i said, i feel he is. mh says i don’t want to fight. you are lecturing me. i asked we discuss what’s going on and he said basically no way. how about we talk on thursday about it? this upsets me.

the next morning. mh wakes up late and starts talking shit to me. saying rude things. finally the butler comes up stairs and i know mh won’t say shitty things to me around butler.

i feel like i can’t talk to dj/mh about anything that is important but might be difficult. we live in such a one dimension. so limiting. i am trying to figure out what can be done with this fussy step son – and how we can all be happy and eating foods we all want instead of just what the butler wants. but i can’t have that conversation with my husband.

it’s just so limiting.

i sent him this email this morning:

please don’t attack me. please hear me.

i am so sorry for my part in failing to have a warm, loving supportive
relationship with you.

i know i am too sensitive. i am too needy. i am too much on a whole
host of levels.

in some ways i have grown strong over these years. i have developed
confidence in my perspective for one thing. i understand much better
what my limitations are and what my needs are. i have come to
understand boundaries and the incredible need for them in marriages. a
need to be able to separate myself from you when i feel you are an
unsafe place for me to be close to.

i am very unhappy in this marriage. i feel like i am faking it when
things are decent. faking affection for you. that i am showing love
not to you but to some wish i have in my mind of what i want.

that’s not to say that i want our marriage to end or that i don’t love
you. but i can’t handle being this unhappy all the time. all the work
it takes to be here. to be heard. to be seen. to be acknowledged. to
be worth the effort for you to love me.

it’s just too hard. i am angry. i am terribly sad. i am tired of
feeling alone and isolated and incapable of being able to have a
healthy conversation with you about the things that are important to
me. i don’t understand what i need to do to get you to really be able
to hear me. to see me. i give up.

in my mind all i hear is your attacks. your anger toward me. what i
almost never hear in my mind is your love for me. i don’t want to live
like this.

i am sorry. i am so sorry i can’t be at this house tonight. i know you
are concerned about what you will say to butler and how this looks to
him but i just can’t keep up appearances to protect him from the truth
- that this marriage is failing.

how will this conflict find resolution

right in the middle

yesterday mh snapped at me and i finally snapped back and actually got angry. so he denied that he snapped at me and asked what was my problem. i walked away and tried to calm. i came back to him and said that i noticed he hasn’t been in a good mood and i was wondering what was going on for him. he said that ever since friday (it’s sunday) he has been having to deal with me and it’s been difficult. and finally i realize that he’s been holding onto some grievance this whole weekend and that’s why he has been a pill off and on. he told me that it was inappropriate for me to call him at work and vent and go off and what was i thinking. how could i do that? and then the whole weekend i have been too difficult and what’s wrong with me. and how hard it is for him to deal with me when i am acting like that.

basically how hard it is for him when i am being myself.

so i tried to talk to him about what was going on but it was so difficult because he was being so adversarial. and flipping through a book as well. i was trying so hard to have a conversation with him and he was being argumentative and dismissive. so i finally walked away because i was having a difficult time operating in a triggered state. so then he started shouting things at me as i walked away. and i told him to stop that i was setting up a boundary and needed him to stop talking to me because i couldn’t handle it. he kept trying to say something to me but i shouted over him.

he stopped. then he layed in bed for a long while. took a nap. got up and walked out the door and slammed the door behind him as hard as he could. dove was taking a nap at the time so it felt especially egregious.

dove didn’t wake up. i was triggered again and trying to calm down and figure out if it was a good idea for us to leave and stay at my friend’s house. but it’s such a hassle to leave. but i just don’t know how to keep separate from mh’s verbal attacks. i take it on as if it belonged to me.

i feel confident that i haven’t done anything wrong. if it wasn’t okay for me to talk to him at work – he could have said – hey, now is not a good time to talk about this, can we talk when i get home?

it’s his job to set his own boundaries. but in any case – i am pretty sure he didn’t want to listen to me at all no matter when. i was complaining about how much work dinner is – i have to plan the meal, shop for it, prepare it, clean up afterward and it’s only working out to about half the time that he washes the dishes so sometimes i have to clean the dishes the next day too and i am feeling resentful and irritated about the whole dinner thing. can i get some support? can you help more with the dishes?

i asked this of him and days later i get an ear full about how bad that was for me to say. how hard it was for him to hear. how i should have known better than call him at work and vent like that. how he works hard and now he’s gotta come home and work more. should he just quit his job to do the work?

why can’t he hear what i was saying?

christ. this relationship is so limiting. i can’t express myself. even if i am gentle and try hard to not point a finger and to show that this is all me and i am not mad at him but i do need his help.

i asked him to sleep on the couch last night – that i didn’t feel comfortable sleeping next to him. he did it.

not sure when it will be safe to talk to him but i will wait for him to figure it out – i am not putting one foot forward to make this shit work. he needs to approach me and recognize that he has some issues with me but didn’t present them fairly.

there is no chance in hell that that is the way things will go. but i deserve to be treated well and not have to deal with him being adversarial toward me. i am sick of it. i read through these old posts and it shocks me what i put up with.

he says he wants to support me. he says he wants to be there for me, that what i want is important to him but his actions are totally different. i believe his desire is there but he just doesn’t understand what is actually means to be there for someone.

is he a “bad” person? no. was my father a “bad” person or was he just dealing with some terrible demons? the thing is – people hide behind this idea that they are “good” people but just have a tough time sometimes and end up doing mean things to other people. but does that justify the behavior? does that make it okay? does that mean that someone else should just deal with being attacked because the attacker is really a good person deep down?

certainly what i am dealing we currently is very far from the abuse i suffered as a youth but there is a thread in my relationship that feels very much the same. if i was to leave him would i be able to find and then tolerate a healthy relationship? i am not sure. i do crave to be truly supported truly loved. right now i feel like i am a giver

the d word

the last time i got the kind of support i wished i had all the time was over a month ago. now back to hell. i can’t stand these weekends. every weekend with butler just sucks. sucks sucks sucks. it wasn’t always like this. i think it started when i decided i was sick of being the main parent and that dj had to step up. but he can’t really do it. it’s been frustrating on him to take over as the main parent to butler- but it’s his job! not mine. i always had to be the evil one and sometimes both of them would act like kids and that i was the parent and they were getting in trouble.

i feel like i am only partially accepted. mh can only accept me when i am in a good mood and capable of handling a majority of the household responsibilities. if i get in a bad mood or am having a tough time he gives me some stock answers. and that’s ok. not great but atleast he isn’t hostile to me. and then on some occasions he really steps up to the plate. but i think we are dealing with a very stressful situation and well – even under the best of circumstances things are challenging. so now he is hostile.

when i need him i can count on one of three responses:

50% of the time: stock responses where he hopes it’s enough and me and my problem will be placated and go away. stock responses include: “i know this is hard on you. i know you are having a tough time. i am sorry you are having a tough time.” these are ok responses but not great. i don’t feel terrible but i know he can’t do more and is atleast trying.

60% of the time: he responds with hostility. attacking me. telling me that life is hard. he tells me to grow up. he tells me to see my therapist. to get a grip. that this is just the way it is and to stop complaining. what’s my problem? why can’t you just try? you cannot take care of yourself because taking a break looks bad to butler. running away is rejection. sometimes he throws things. threatens me with divorce. tells me i am like my father. tells me i am like my mother. tells me he regrets marrying me.

and about 3% of the time he really pulls through. he responds with a hug. he holds me and truly understands and cares about me and suggests to me things that might help to make me feel better.

here it is – the month of christmas – dove’s first christmas!!!! this is a special time. but it’s not. and that sucks. i pulled out the christmas decorations and had all these flashbacks of bad memories of fighting and not getting along or general unhappiness around the holidays. well – we don’t just not get along around the holidays – but these items pulled out once a year refresh the bad memories of the past.

i think about the list that butler wrote of things he would like to do with his dad. and mh and i looked over the lsit and reviewed the things on it. then mh said – i don’t want to do any of those things with him.

and that is probably one of the most ugly things i have heard him say ever. selfish. without love. but i know he loves butler and dove but it just seems as if there is this BIG thing holding him back from truly enjoying his sons and for that matter – me. misery.

i walk around my house and see dents in the wall – the frame of our bedroom door nailed haphazardly back to the wall – scrapes here and there from the chair that was smashed and destroyed. see destruction and this house feels so miserable – holds so many bad memories. and i wonder – when do i get to be happy? when do i get to have a joyful loving relationship that fills my needs and i realize that it just might not be with mh/dj. it makes me sad. to think about the severing. but that is all i have thought about today. the severing. the tearing. the pain it will cause and the challenges that lie ahead. but i just don’t think i can take this marriage anymore.

i married him for the wrong reasons. i fell in love with him because i felt so needed. i loved being needed. i didn’t “need” anyone and figured i could take care of myself. but then – what’s that all about? if you can’t rely on your partner to be a shoulder when you are upset? if the person you married regards you with hostility when you are upset?

i thought he would change. i thought things would get better. and perhaps they are getting better. but they aren’t getting better fast enough. i feel starved. i feel beaten. i feel such a strong yearning to be truly loved. i would rather go it alone with jonas than be in this state of rejection.

and therapy has built my confidence about what i see. about what i feel. to understand and know my needs and believe they are valid and healthy.

i have spent so much of my life putting other people’s needs before my own. my parents – both of them used me. or they chose to give up on their responsibility to me. their needs before mine.

i feel like a dented can. i feel like that stupid monkey who was so abused as a baby and rejected and given no love and then could never adequately get along with the other monkeys when it got older. that’s me. i don’t know how to find someone who will truly love me.

i thought that if i gave and gave and gave that the person who i gave to would have to love me back – would need me and give in return. but that just isn’t the way it works out. and so i feel so alone. i have my dove. my joy. my reason for living. the place where i will pour myself into. eventually – even he will turn away. as he should.

yeah – i am depressed. can’t even eat even though i am breastfeeding and usually eat enough for two elephants. so anxious and upset in this house – with mh walking around silently. both of us avoiding a confrontation. he is looking to evverything that i am doing and i bet finding all kinds of wrong in everything that i am doing. i feel so defensive and fearful of talking to him. i just don’t want to defend myself. i don’t want to have to argue for myself. i don’t want him to tell me what i am doing and that everything is my fault and how he has done nothing.

shit everywhere

dove has a stomach virus and a cold. there is and has been shit everywhere for days now and it gets worse each day. yesterday i almost lost it. trying to keep up with the crap – cleaning it up. giving him a chance to air dry but then he craps. he is starting to develop a rash too despite all best efforts. i got shit all over me twice, all over him a number of times and all over the rug, changing table, bathtub, kitchen floor.

plus he is super needy. and nursing all the time – which makes sense since he is probably really thirsty and on the edge of getting dehydrated.

i was beside myself yesterday taking care of a lion’s share of the work. dj had been dealing with the older one – taking to a play date and back and doing other stuff. finally at 7pm i got out of the house and went to the gym where i cried and soaked in the jacuzzi. man – it was such a tough day.

then today – i just don’t have the coping – i am pushed too far. but dj took the boys to the zoo – dj knows the deal – he might be spending most of the time in the bathroom – but it was his decision to go.

and i am getting such a break. sort of. i have to do this holiday card. i think i have two pretty good design directions so i am feeling a little less panicked about the time that i have and can take a break to unload the fucking crap that i feel.

sometimes this is just so damn hard – being a mom. i just want to leave for a week and be in my own space and do what i want when i want. i don’t want to have to listen to the butler. man, that kid really irks me. i really don’t like him sometimes. he is a little shit. always on some play for power. can’t handle anyone telling him to do anything. he is such a little shit. arguing, arguing, whining, arguing, whining, morose but apparently in a good mood.

but me – what the fuck? none of my relationships are optimal now. i feel so insecure and incapable and needy and without what i need. things have gotten tipped in such a wrong direction and i am not sure how to get back on it.

each moment is a step in the right direction. the diarreaha can only last so long. right? even though dove is the best thing ever – he is also the biggest challenge. and he is putting a strain on the rest of my relationships.

but my husband is really pulling through this weekend. i just wish i could give back but i just can’t. i just want to cry all the time.

well – this is probably all i have time to say what i have to say.

back again

it’s been a while. i guess i just don’t have the heart to type out all the misery that i feel when i am going through it. but then i realized that i do email a friend about it and sometimes my mom so i thought that i could keep up this blog by just copying and pasting the emails i send. and perhaps send the emails that dj/mh send to each other.

these past two weeks have been tough. dj/mh has been on vacation and the butler has been over full time. the first couple of days were really tough because dove wasn’t sleeping well – so neither was i. i was hoping for some support but didn’t get much from dj/mh. he had his excuses – butler was too challenging, had to take care of himself. as well – he told me that the first year is just difficult and that’s the way it is – it’s just miserable so there. stop complaining.  finally on wednesday i had had enough and was packing my things to stay with my friend and the whole time mh is chanting at me “poor poor me. poor poor me.” over and over.

after a few days i got an email from him asking when i was coming home – to stop running away. that he loves me and i need to deal with my marriage and stop running away – that he is there and if i don’t come home he would cancel his friend’s bachelor party and if i didn’t come home by monday he would call a lawyer. so i came home and we hashed things out for a few hours before going camping. we both just got exhausted from talking. i didn’t feel satisfied from the conversation at all. i don’t think he gets what’s going on. he made it seem that things are so tough for him that he can’t meet my needs. every time i said it’s been hard he counters with – it’s hard for me too and i have to take care of myself before i can take care of anyone else.

so be it.

i just feel deeply unhappy and very unsatisfied by my marriage. i am sure dj would say the same. whatever. he can

here’s what i sent to my mom:
these past two weeks with dj/mh on vacation and butler around full time have been tough. i feel fundamentally deeply unhappy ‘cept when i hang with my little man (now 7 months old). he is my ray of sunshine. otherwise i am a maid, a bookkeeper, a nag, a useless wife (meaning my husband doesn’t get enough sex), and i run around my house while two boys hang on the laptops. sure we have done this and that and dj/mh has done this and that around the house but i just wonder if it’s not possible to be happier. to have more joy. i just feel this vast expanse between me and dj/mh and an ever deepening unhappiness.

and then there is what happened last night. butler is sneezing and coughing in his room all night long even after i gave him an allergy pill so clearly something is wrong. so i wake dj/mh and he is pissed. i say to him – butler can’t sleep his allergies are bothering him – you should move him to the couch. he says – you wake me up for that? butler has allergies – what do you want me to do about it? is he just going to stay sleeping on the couch from now on? it’s probably that damn cat and the cat box with the SHIT in it next to his bedroom. it’s disgusting. butler is fine. it’s 4am in the morning  – what do you want from me?

to stop being an asshole.

so i go downstairs and move butler to the couch upstairs and go back to bed upset and not likely to sleep. dj/mh then snuggles up next to me and i ask him what he is doing. he says that if i am going to take all the covers he can lay next to me to keep warm. i tell him i am too warm with him next to me and something is wierd. he says that i reject him all the time and that since we are both wide awake i should snuggle with him. he then starts to get on a roll about how i am not affectionate with him and i remind him that he was unpleasant just a half hour ago. he turns hostile and i go to sleep on the floor in the living room.

this morning he says ” i am sorry about last night.”

i didn’t respond.

now he is on his laptop. i go to take a shower and there is urine on the toilet seat – no matter how many times i have asked him not to pee with the toilet seat down – he does it anyway. either that or leaves the toilet seat up. and it just reinforces how this household is an uphill battle for me.

i am constantly thinking about how i need to get a job and get dove in daycare and start saving money and figure out how i am going to get a divorce. and what that looks like. being a single mom.

there is mh the asshole and then there is just dj. and even just dj isn’t doing – isn’t a part of my world – of my joy. he sits on his laptop at home reading about climbing or skiing and then goes climbing or skiing or talks about climbing or skiing.

i like those things too but i also like my house – and my family.

and then i think about who would get the couch? who would get the deck furniture? who would get the bed? what neighborhood would i live in? how dove and i do? how would he do with a broken family? it’s not the worse thing for him but it’s certainly not the best.

and then i think – things aren’t that bad – i should just suck it up and live a parallel life to dj/mh and watch our marriage disintegrate but remain intact enough for dove.